The Relationship Litmus Test

From the questions people ask me, the posts I see online and the coaching sessions I have with clients—which include come of you in this community—I have concluded that the skill people lack that will save them a lot of heartache is not knowing how to vet potential romantic partners well and their relationship readiness before entering into a relationship.

Today’s newsletter issue was inspired by a coaching session I had with a client.

Of course, I would not be going into details, but the crux of the issue was this client’s inability to properly vet their romantic partner and their readiness to be in a relationship.

So…

MY TWO CENTS 🧠

Before entering a relationship, you must ask four (4) very crucial questions. These questions should be answered truthfully and serve as an excellent yardstick to determine if you will go through starting or ending a relationship.

DO I TRUST THIS PERSON?
Good relationships are built on the foundation of trust. For a moment, forget how the person makes you “feel” and how good-looking the person in question is.
The question is not “if you can trust this person?” but “do I trust this person?”.
If your answer is yes? Then why? What instances or examples of the consistent actions of your “partner-to-be” can you boldly remember and point to that made you answer positively to the question?
If your answer is no, you should have solid reasons why you don’t and have vivid memories of consistent actions they did that betrayed your trust.
Suppose you do not trust the person you’re considering starting a relationship with.
In that case, there is no sane reason for you to enter into a relationship with that person; it’s just common sense.
If you are currently in a relationship with someone you don’t trust, you will first have to talk to your partner about it and consider your options before ending it and walking away.

DO THEY HAVE MY BEST INTEREST AT HEART?
To have someone’s best interest at heart means being concerned about and wanting to help someone. At least, this is how Meriam-Webster explains it.
Now ask yourself, this human being I’m about to enter a relationship with. Do they have my best interest at heart?
If your answer is yes, why do you think so?
Emphasis on THINK, not feel. What have they done that supports my hypothesis?
If your answer is no, what motivation do they have behind wanting to be in a relationship with you? Sex? Money? Companionship? All of the above? Think about it.

DOES THIS PERSON HELP ME BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF MYSELF?
As a human being, you are either growing or dying.
There’s no in-between. Some people fan your flame to make it burn brighter and more robust, and others piss on your flame in an attempt to put it out.
Do they put you down? Are they afraid of you being better or more successful than they are? Ask yourself if your “soon to be significant other” aids you on your journey to becoming the best version of yourself, or do they do things that drag you down?
Do they help or at least encourage you to go after and attempt to achieve your goals in these areas of your life: health, wealth/finance, happiness, career, relationships with other people and with God (if you’re religious)?
You’ll have to think about instances where their actions aided or hindered your journey to becoming the best version of yourself.
Be ruthless about this decision.

WHAT PRIORITY WILL I GIVE THIS RELATIONSHIP IN MY LIFE?
I know several people in relationships who don’t prioritise it. You need to ask yourself, what importance will I give my relationship? Will I value my career over my relationship? Will I love other relationships with other members of my family, i.e., my mom or dad, brothers, sisters, cousins or in not-so-typical cases, best friends, over my romantic relationship with my significant other? Ask yourself what kind of priority you will give to the relationship you are about to enter. Relationships need a lot of time investment for them to flourish and you have to be sure that you’d be committed to giving your relationship with your partner priority.

YOUR PLAYBOOK 📕

Trust is key
Before starting a relationship, ask yourself if you trust the person. Look at what they do consistently, not just how you feel. If you don't trust them, it's best to reconsider the relationship or talk about it honestly.

Check their intentions
Think about whether they truly care about you. Look for signs that show they want what's best for you, not just what they can get from you. Imagine the worst reasons they might have for being with you, and see if their actions match up.

Check if they support your growth
See if they help you become a better version of yourself. Do they encourage you to reach your goals? Or do they hold you back? Surround yourself with people who lift you.

Check if you’re willing to make the relationship a priority
Decide how important the relationship is to you. Understand that relationships need time and effort to work. Think about how much time and attention you're willing to give to make it work.

I know these questions are tough, but they need to be answered honestly if you are ever going to stand a chance at having a great relationship.

YOUR NEXT STEPS 👣

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